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This is My Story: What Depression Really Looks Like

March 15 // 12 Comments // 4 Minute Read

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I’ll bet there’s something you don’t know about me…and I’ll bet you know someone else who struggles with this, too. This is my depression recovery story.

This post may contain affiliate links. Read my full disclosure policy here.

Wow, I had no idea so many people struggle with depression! I love how bravely and honestly this blogger shares her depression recovery story. This has inspired me to approach that friend I know is struggling; before I didn't really know how to talk to her but this has opened my eyes. #depression #anxiety #depressionrecovery #depressionstory #whatdepressionreallylookslike

Sharing my depression recovery story has been in the back of my mind for years, but I’ve always found an excuse to push it back and convince myself it’s not worth telling.

The loudest excuse—I’ve been ashamed. I didn’t want to be reminded of my shortcomings or the dark places that consumed most of my life.

But the absolute worst thing is to feel like you are alone, which is why it’s time to break my silence. So many struggle with mental illness. Either you fight the battle yourself, or you know someone close to you who does. 16.1 million American adults suffer from depression and it’s so much more than the “winter blues”!

My friend, if you’re one of us, you are in good company. You are safe here. And while it might seem like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, I’m here to tell you there is hope.

There is hope not because I’m “cured” of my depression, or because I’ve found a way to “snap out of it.” Neither of those things are true. The truth is, I’ve found a way to cope. And not just cope, but move forward with purpose.

This is my story.

The Beginning of My Depression Recovery Story

In the middle of Junior High, some odd behavior began. Behavior that might seem typical of a teenage girl. But my parents knew it wasn’t.

I began spending hours in front of the mirror, redoing my hair, over and over and over and over and over and over again. I could never seem to get it “right,” so I kept redoing it in an attempt to achieve perfection. Except I never found it.

So I was late to school almost every morning, and between classes, I would spend a ridiculous amount of time in the bathroom redoing my hair…again.

In a way, it was soothing to me. A balm of constancy during a hormonal and emotionally charged time.

14 years old

This compulsive behavior continued to get worse, until eventually, the darkness of my depression started to emerge. My parents finally took me to see a doctor, where I was diagnosed with OCD—Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Depression was part of this diagnosis.

Let me be clear—a lot of people think OCD is a condition super-organized people have. They enjoy things lined up, organized, alphabetized, clean, and in order, and this is laughed at as just another personality quirk. But real OCD is far from laughable.

OCD is actually a mental condition where one thing, and one thing only, gets stuck inside your brain on repeat. You can’t escape those thoughts. They are there, racing and constantly torturing you. Screaming at you inside to do “it,” whatever “it” is, one more time because it’s wasn’t good enough before. And so you give in, because you can’t not.

It’s like you’re stuck in a mental prison where the tape player loops again and again and again.

If I could have gotten rid of the thoughts, I would have in a heartbeat!

But I couldn’t.

No Way Out

I began medication, and my parents tried to send me to a therapist. I made it through about 3 sessions before my mom finally gave in to me screaming and pleading not to go. I was given books, pamphlets, and all sorts of reading material that, in my mind, only explained how damaged I was.

I felt worthless and very depressed. Less of a person. I was wrecked and felt there was no way out. I started hurting myself so I could feel something…anything. Even if it was pain.

Suicide became the next loop on my mental tape player.

My mom spent many sleepless nights on the couch outside my room because she was terrified of what I would do. Thankfully, I never followed through. Those years became one of the many times God’s grace saved me from myself.

16 years old

Get Help or Give In

As the months passed, my life sped up. It seemed there was always a brand new experience to distract me around every corner. I worked my first job, Joseph and I began dating, I started college, we got married, I graduated, and we bought our first home.

Life didn’t get worse; it just didn’t get better.

Joseph has been by my side through much of my depression recovery story

21 years old

Every life change was just another band-aid applied on top of all the others, preventing me from dealing with the real issue at hand. With something else to focus on other than myself, I simply pretended my OCD and my depression weren’t there.

And on the good days, I was very successful.

But on the bad days, I spent most of them on the couch watching TV, immersing myself in a fictional story, or sleeping the hours away, all in an attempt to escape reality.

Slowly, but surely, the bad days began overshadowing the good, my depression grew exceedingly worse, and one night, I spiraled into such a terrifying breakdown that it triggered my very first panic attack.

It was that night that I decided I didn’t want to exist like this anymore. I couldn’t.

It was either get help or give in.

So with Joseph holding me tight and tears streaming down my face, we called a psychologist. I had been given the name by my primary doctor weeks before, but my pride and previous experiences kept me from picking up the phone.

The psychologist became my lifeline that night and made me promise not to do anything until we could talk in person. It was when I made that promise, that I realized not only did I truly want help, I also wanted to truly live.

***

In Part 2, I’ll share more details about my depression recovery story and healing process, as well as all the practical things I do to fight my depression and manage my symptoms today. 

 

Disclosure: Some of the links in the post above are affiliate links. This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission. Rest assured, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will add value to my readers. Read my full disclosure policy here.

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Comments

  1. Dawn says

    September 25 at 1:45 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I believe depression is much more common than we realize. I look forward to reading the next part.

    Reply
    • Kalyn Brooke says

      September 26 at 9:30 am

      Thank you, Dawn.

      I still feel really vulnerable putting this out there – but I hope people find encouragement through my story.

      Reply
  2. Elizna says

    September 29 at 9:17 am

    Thank you for sharing your story. You are very brave to do so!

    Reply
    • Kalyn Brooke says

      October 2 at 11:13 am

      Hi Elizna,

      Thank you. I think there are so many people out there that are braver than I.

      Reply
  3. Heather says

    September 29 at 9:53 am

    Hi Kayln! Thank you so much for sharing your story! I’m so sorry you had to go through this. My best friend has OCD. Your story reminded me a lot of her. Thankfully, like you she got the help she needed and is doing so well now! She also just recently posted on Facebook about her experience. She was terrified, but the result was SO overwhelming positive! She even had someone say to her that their daughter is currently having a difficult time with their OCD, but that her story gave them hope! So I’m so glad you shared your experience, you never know how or when it will help someone else to not feel alone !! (I’ve also seen this when I share my anxiety disorder experience with others). We are not alone and there is no shame!
    Be well and thank you again!!

    Reply
    • Kalyn Brooke says

      October 2 at 11:16 am

      Hi Heather,

      I’ve been overwhelmed at the response to these posts and my newsletter where I dove in a little deeper. Thank you so much for taking the time to be an encouragement to both me, and your friend. You’re right – we aren’t alone.

      Reply
  4. Becky says

    September 29 at 10:18 am

    I have fought depression for over 30 years. I have attempted suicide twice, and came close to doing so again just a few weeks ago. No one around me understands nor seems to care when I cry. I hate myself. I hate life nearly all the time. I hurt from 2 chronic illnesses that others also don’t seem to care, i.e. I am still expected to work, cook, clean, etc. It has only been recently that I have started blogging about mental health. I am tired of the shame that comes along with something I didn’t ask for nor want. My youngest daughter also suffers from mental health issues. I feel guilty for genetically passing that on to her. All this to say that I understand the depth of despair and hopelessness depression and other mental health issues bring. It is a difficult way to live.

    Reply
    • Robin Taney says

      September 29 at 11:17 pm

      Becky,

      I’m so sorry you’re struggling, but I wanted you to know that even though we don’t know eachother, I am praying for you. YOU MATTER. You have a daughter who needs you. Please don’t give up.

      Reply
    • Kalyn Brooke says

      October 2 at 11:12 am

      Hi Becky,

      Thank you for sharing. The rawness of your emotions clearly comes through in your comment. Thank you letting me know that you understand. It’s something that we often forget to say to each other.

      I’d like to echo that back to you – I understand the struggle you go through each day. I’m glad you’ve found and outlet for your story, and I hope and pray that if you haven’t already found a group of people who can and will support and understand you, that those people will surround you now.

      Reply
  5. Robin says

    September 29 at 11:12 pm

    Hi Kalyn,

    Your story was hard to read, and I’m sure much harder to write. Thank you for having the courage to share it. Thank you for loving your audience enough to want to help them. If reading this helps save one person, you have done an incredible thing.

    Reply
    • Kalyn Brooke says

      October 2 at 11:27 am

      Hi Robin,

      Thank you so much for that encouragement. While the mission of KalynBrooke.com has evolved over time, it has always been my goal to help anyone who is taking the time to read any of my posts. Knowing that it has been beneficial to some in some ways has been a relief, knowing that it was worth sharing some of the things I usually keep “hidden” from view.

      Reply

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  1. 250 Encouraging Quotes and Words About Life For Hard Times | Ageless Investing says:
    April 21 at 12:36 pm

    […] you need encouragement from a depression recovery story, read THIS IS MY STORY: WHAT DEPRESSION REALLY LOOKS LIKE at kalynbrooke.com. Learn how Kalyn, my high school classmate, dealt with depression. Today, she […]

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Hi, I’m Kalyn—a recovering perfectionist who nerds out about organizing systems, personal productivity, and helping you prioritize what matters over the pressure to do it all. I have a feeling we’re about to become the best of friends! Learn more >>

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Minimalism ≠ Deprivation.⁣
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Sadly, I find m

Minimalism ≠ Deprivation.⁣
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Sadly, I find most people resist minimalism because they can't wrap their head around "having less." People tend to equate this movement with blank walls, white IKEA furniture, and decluttering everything in your home down to practically nothing so you can live full-time in an RV. Like me. 😉⁣
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But, while minimalism could be all that, this mindset misses the point. Minimalism is not only about “having less.” 🚫⁣
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It’s so much more than that.⁣
⁣
This week on the blog, I'm sharing the REAL definition of minimalism (that people who love their stuff can totally get behind!) as well as practical ways to incorporate minimalism into your life. 🎉⁣
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Drop a heart emoji in the comments below and I'll send the link to your DM's! 💖

I love lazy Saturday mornings…as long as I have
I love lazy Saturday mornings...as long as I have a book and a cozy blanket! 😍

I wrote this in my journal the other day: 📓⁣

I wrote this in my journal the other day: 📓⁣
⁣
“I’ve been thinking about what tech boundaries I want to instill, including boundaries related to work and productivity. I’ve become less careful about my media consumption, and it’s having a negative affect on my mental health.” 💞⁣
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Have you ever felt a similar tug? ⁣
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I can’t begin to tell you how many times I pick up my phone because I’m bored or lonely or jealous or unhappy. It almost always makes me feel worse. And yet...I struggle to stop. 😝⁣
⁣
Here are the ideas I’ve been trying this month and I’m already seeing a positive effect:⁣
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➕ No logging into social media after 8pm. I need to wind down for the night, not get lost in my phone! 📲⁣
➕ Open Instagram with a purpose—either to post or to interact. Stop endlessly scrolling.⁣
➕ My only screen time before 9am should be for Bible Study apps or News. 🗞⁣
➕ Turn my phone on Do Not Disturb during Tiger Time (when I need the most focus for work) 💪⁣
➕ Work no more than 4 hours on my business per day. If a task isn’t complete, push it to the next day. This time frame has really helped me prioritize! 💻⁣
➕ Watch one show per day (or two if they are short!) and leave movies for the weekend. 📺⁣
⁣
What tech boundaries have you set up? Are any new as of this year? I’d love to hear your ideas! 😃

What’s one thing you budget for that other peopl
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You might have a mortgage. I budget for campgrounds. You might want a separate clothing budget, while I’m fine combining it under “Beauty and Style.” Recently, we also added a new line item for our motorcycle—something I NEVER thought would appear in our budget. ⁣
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See, we’re all different! ⁣
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Recently, I rearranged my budget categories and created this “cheat sheet.” Sometimes I forget where things go, like picking up new wall art for the living room. Does this item belong in the categories of Household Items or Home Maintenance? 🤔⁣
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Now I know! And I save time processing receipts each Friday. 🧾⁣
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What budgeting categories do you use? Share one of your random budget line items with me in the comments below! 😃

I call 2020 the Year of Abandoned Books. ⁣
⁣
I

I call 2020 the Year of Abandoned Books. ⁣
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I’m never afraid to stop reading a book if it doesn’t live up to the hype. Why invest more time in a book I’m not all that excited about when I could be exploring new authors and storylines where I can’t wait to turn the page? 🤷⁣
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But in 2020, I let more books go than I normally do. I suppose my patience dwindled when I thought the world was ending. Not that I thought the world was actually ending…but you know what I mean. 😉⁣
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As an Enneagram 1, I hate giving up on a book. I’m prone to the all-or-nothing mentality, even in my reading habits. My eyes could glaze over boring prose and I’d still repeat to myself: “You MUST finish this book!” 😫⁣
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Why? ⁣
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No one is adding a plastic star to your Book-It pin, (Remember those?) This isn’t assigned reading from your high school English class. This is YOUR reading life. ⁣
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And YOU should choose what books deserve your attention. 📚⁣
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There are too many good ones out there anyway.  Like one of my favorite reads from 2020. 😍⁣
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This week’s newest blog post rounds up everything I read last year (43 books total!) including 5-star psychological thrillers, a delightful royal series, a couple self-help books, and of course, historical fiction.⁣
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Click the link in my bio to read it! ☝⁣
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What were your favorite books in 2020? Our literary styles might be a match made in heaven! ✨

My planner/journal lineup for 2021. 👆 ⁣
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T

My planner/journal lineup for 2021. 👆 ⁣
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These small but mighty sidekicks will be my saving grace this year. 📚⁣
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1️⃣ Bullet Journal (Blue) - for everyday planning and goal setting⁣
2️⃣ Regular Journal (Yellow) - to track gratitude (5 things a day!) and to process ALL the feelings⁣
3️⃣ Growth Journal (Sand) - a space for me to brain dump everything I learn from books, podcasts, sermons, etc ⁣
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That last one is new to me as of this year and I can't wait to flip back through all my notes come December! 📆⁣
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What planners/journals are you using for 2021?


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